The Cover Letter that I've Been Dying to Write

2010 was a year of disappointments for me career wise. My favorite was when I applied to a local newspaper and got rejected in two ways: email and snail mail. Thanks. On the flipside, at least they let me know that they found someone else.

I've been tempted to write a cover letter to really get across my argument of why a company should hire me as a writer (technical, creative, proofreader, whatever). So here it is, my no holds back cover letter that I will never send out because it would get rejected faster than Christina Aguilera ran off the football field.

Dear Reviewer:

I heard about your job opening, because I'm desperate for a job in a field where I spent four years of my life and money at a wonderful university. I would like to apply for this position, because I know I would do an outstanding job.

I graduated from Winona State University with a Bachelors Degree in English: Writing. If I would've known that all you employers were just interested in experience, then I would've gotten an Associates Degree in Administrative Assistance (because apparently I can't even get hired for that unless I have an degree in answering phones...no offense to secretaries, I'm sure the job is harder than it looks) and spent the other two years working on getting experience before my actual experience. Too bad I didn't know this. Be that as it may, I think my four years at Winona State gave me equal or even better of an experience in writing as a job would.

Furthermore, I've had more than eight years experience with computers. Although I don't have "job experience" entering data into a computer, I've spent half of my life working with multiple computer software including Microsoft Office. If a monkey can do it, so can I. While attending school I worked as a waitress where I assisted the guests with excellent customer service in person and over the phone. I'm a great people-person who can handle stressful situations with a smile and a great attitude. I know I would be an important asset to your company, because I'm a creative, energetic, and hard-working individual who is more than ready for a job in the career path I've studied all my life for. Attached is my resume. Don't get scared off by my multiple past jobs. I worked summers to help pay for my overpriced education.

I will contact your office within a week to confirm that you received my application. Don't sound so surprised, I do know how to dial a telephone.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Kinsey Bodenburg


Wow, that felt good. The sad part is, besides how desperate and rude I sound, half of my submissions don't even get looked at. A computer searches for certain words and picks out the application, or somebody just chooses candidates that they know. So really, I have a slim chance to get a good writing job. I've applied all over the U.S. and nothing back yet besides a few rejections. I guess time will tell.