Post Office Blues

I am going to single-handedly take on the Eau Claire Post Office.  You heard me.  I’m not scared.

Locally-run governmental agencies are the worst.  Okay, so they’re not always the worst, but when the Eau Claire Post Office said it was discontinuing mail processing in February 2014, they became a sore subject for me.  Have you noticed that your mail is taking longer to get to places in Wisconsin that are outside of the 547- and 548-area codes?  No?  Well, I have.  And maybe that’s only because I work in an office where sending out mail can be time sensitive, and when it doesn’t get there the next day or day after, your coworkers take it out on you (because it is my fault, right?).  Basically half of our mail is still being processed in Eau Claire, and the other half is being processed in St. Paul, MN.

Anyway, this post office conundrum has a simple fix – separate the customers as they enter the building before they reach the service counter and act like morons who have no idea how they want to send something and whether they do, in fact, want insurance on the candy they are sending to their son in college.

There are three paths to choose from:  1) I know what I want, 2) I need extra attention and some answers, and 3) I’m going to take up so much time because I am THAT person.

The “I know what I want” group is the best.  These people actually walk around with a crown on their head.  Customers should bow down to them as they move swiftly through their line.  This path is only for customers who need stamps, need postage on their (get this) already sealed package, and/or they have filled out the proper certified/return receipt beforehand (you can do that? YES, YOU CAN!) and need postage and a date stamp.  You will indeed want to live up to the royalty of what I like to call non-idiots.

The “I need extra attention and some answers” group is for those people who need some cost options.  They will, of course, have their package put together before they get to the service counter.  This route has a two-step phase:  1) Package your items if you haven’t already done so and then 2) Proceed to the service counter.   Unlike the kings and queens alongside them moving at a rapid pace in line 1, this group needs shipping and cost options and/or they need help filling out that certified/return receipt.  Customers in this group will also have the option of applying insurance to their package.

Last and certainly the least, the “I’m going to take up so much time because I am THAT person” group is the bottom-dweller of the post office floor.  This group consists of morons who want to talk about their day as they have the post office worker bubble-wrap and ship their cat to Hawaii with insurance.  They also have forty-plus unsealed envelopes with no addresses written on them.  On top of which, they will undoubtedly change their mind about their shipping choice approximately three times.  These customers are the worst of the worst.  They have no respect for other customer’s time, and so they are stuck in their line for hours and hours because of the idiots standing before them.

We’ve all been there.  The moment you exit your vehicle at the Eau Claire Post Office and see a customer walking to the door with two bins full of unstamped letters.  You slam your door quickly, run to the door to beat the two-binned lady but can’t dodge the bottom-dwellers moping their way to the entrance of the building.  You never had a chance.  You won’t make the 5:00 p.m. cutoff time, and you’ll be stuck in line behind a bunch of people who have no idea how they want to send their mail.  Idiots.