Monday, May 12, 2014

How To Camp Like An Idiot - 20 Simple Steps

1. Arrive at your campsite late. Check-in time was 1:00 pm, but you were doing last minute packing and last minute buying at the Mega Superstore for ten bags of chips, four 12-packs of soda, and 48 jumbo hot dogs (they were on sale!).

2. So you arrived late and now have to pitch your tent in the dark, because you brought your flashlight, but didn’t check to see if the batteries still worked.

3. Bring only one newspaper and one box of matches you got for free at The Dive Bar. You love waiting hours just so you can have a warm can of baked beans. Don’t bring a can opener or other useful kitchen utensils. You are camping! You don’t need spoons or plates!

4. Be as loud and obnoxious after quiet hours so your neighbors next to you with now crying children will hate you. Blast Kanye West songs and drink until you pass out so you can drown out that non-sleeping child in the RV next to you. The nerve of that child!

5. Never put away any of your food at night. The whole purpose of camping is to be one with nature, including raccoons, bears, possums, skunks, and mice. You’ve always wanted to pet a coon and ride bare back on a bear. Now is your chance!

6. Pack your food and beverages in the same cooler. It makes sense, doesn’t it? Reach for a beer and expose your hamburger patties to the 90 degree temperatures all at the same time.

7. Bring your own firewood from two counties over, because yours is the best and you know it.

8. Don’t pay for trash dumping at the campground. The charge of $1.00 is way too expensive. See No. 5 for additional reasons if you’re not convinced.

9. Keep snacks and open containers of food in your tent. You never know when you’re going to want a midnight treat.

10. Wear lots of perfume/cologne to cover up your body odor. Then play a game of Connect The Mosquito Dots to pass the time!

11. Utilize all those great camping hacks found on Pinterest. Especially the “hand washing station,” the belt around the tree to hold up your kitchen supplies, and the “plunger bucket” to wash your clothes.

12. Pack high heels and four other pairs of shoes. You never know who you might run into. Leave the hiking boots and sneakers at home. Mother always told you that if you want to be beautiful, you must suffer through the pain.

13. Whine incessantly about the poor WiFi signal. Cry if you have to. Let it out. If you complain about it loud enough, maybe the owners will hear you and pay loads of money for WiFi for the entire campground!

14. Leave all your valuables scattered around your campsite so your neighbors know that you are important and have nice things.

15. If you bring your dog, don’t pick up the doggy-poo. It helps to fertilize the earth. Think of Mother Nature. She loves POO!

16. Wait to pack up and leave until the very last minute. You paid to camp here until 1:00 pm, and you sure as hell are going to get your money’s worth.

17. Never put your fire out. You worked hard to start that monster; keep it roaring all weekend.

18. Only eat really salty, unhealthy snacks and drink a shit ton of energy drinks.

19. Don’t pack bug spray – it doesn’t work. Don’t put sunscreen on your skin – you’ll only become greasy and less clean.

20. Leave all the traces when you leave. Garbage should be left behind, dirty underwear should be be scattered everywhere, and you should keep that fire going, baby!