Monday, May 12, 2014

How To Camp Like An Idiot - 20 Simple Steps

1. Arrive at your campsite late. Check-in time was 1:00 pm, but you were doing last minute packing and last minute buying at the Mega Superstore for ten bags of chips, four 12-packs of soda, and 48 jumbo hot dogs (they were on sale!).

2. So you arrived late and now have to pitch your tent in the dark, because you brought your flashlight, but didn’t check to see if the batteries still worked.

3. Bring only one newspaper and one box of matches you got for free at The Dive Bar. You love waiting hours just so you can have a warm can of baked beans. Don’t bring a can opener or other useful kitchen utensils. You are camping! You don’t need spoons or plates!

4. Be as loud and obnoxious after quiet hours so your neighbors next to you with now crying children will hate you. Blast Kanye West songs and drink until you pass out so you can drown out that non-sleeping child in the RV next to you. The nerve of that child!

5. Never put away any of your food at night. The whole purpose of camping is to be one with nature, including raccoons, bears, possums, skunks, and mice. You’ve always wanted to pet a coon and ride bare back on a bear. Now is your chance!

6. Pack your food and beverages in the same cooler. It makes sense, doesn’t it? Reach for a beer and expose your hamburger patties to the 90 degree temperatures all at the same time.

7. Bring your own firewood from two counties over, because yours is the best and you know it.

8. Don’t pay for trash dumping at the campground. The charge of $1.00 is way too expensive. See No. 5 for additional reasons if you’re not convinced.

9. Keep snacks and open containers of food in your tent. You never know when you’re going to want a midnight treat.

10. Wear lots of perfume/cologne to cover up your body odor. Then play a game of Connect The Mosquito Dots to pass the time!

11. Utilize all those great camping hacks found on Pinterest. Especially the “hand washing station,” the belt around the tree to hold up your kitchen supplies, and the “plunger bucket” to wash your clothes.

12. Pack high heels and four other pairs of shoes. You never know who you might run into. Leave the hiking boots and sneakers at home. Mother always told you that if you want to be beautiful, you must suffer through the pain.

13. Whine incessantly about the poor WiFi signal. Cry if you have to. Let it out. If you complain about it loud enough, maybe the owners will hear you and pay loads of money for WiFi for the entire campground!

14. Leave all your valuables scattered around your campsite so your neighbors know that you are important and have nice things.

15. If you bring your dog, don’t pick up the doggy-poo. It helps to fertilize the earth. Think of Mother Nature. She loves POO!

16. Wait to pack up and leave until the very last minute. You paid to camp here until 1:00 pm, and you sure as hell are going to get your money’s worth.

17. Never put your fire out. You worked hard to start that monster; keep it roaring all weekend.

18. Only eat really salty, unhealthy snacks and drink a shit ton of energy drinks.

19. Don’t pack bug spray – it doesn’t work. Don’t put sunscreen on your skin – you’ll only become greasy and less clean.

20. Leave all the traces when you leave. Garbage should be left behind, dirty underwear should be be scattered everywhere, and you should keep that fire going, baby!

Thursday, March 13, 2014

What Even Is That Kid?

So I went "running" for the first time outside this year.  I put running in quotes, because I barely ran.  I'm so out of shape.

Remember when I worked out at the gym?  I pay for it and everything, and I even blogged about it here!  Yeah, I don't remember the last time I went either.  I need to cancel that thing.  I had hopes for that gym relationship.  I should have known it wouldn't last.

So I'm "running" on the Old Abe Trail (that's what it's called...I saw a sign) and after my nice, long warm-up walk, I begin my run.

Yeah!  RUNNING!  The first steps are great, but after about 30 seconds, I'm freakin' dying.  I should really cut down on the empty calories - I know I'd have more energy.  Reasoning: SCIENCE.

Okay, back on track, I'm "running" and this child...this little boy...this kid who can't be older than 10 years old approaches me.  He's running at an outrageous speed (I am shocked. I am jealous. I am feeling really bad about myself.), and to top it off, he is carrying hand weights!!!



And also, where is this kid's parents?  Hmmmmm?  He was running alone.

What a show-off.

But it was weirdly motivating.  If a kid (or alien - we will never know) can run with hand weights and do it with ease, then *HECK YES, so can I.

*Ha!  No, I will never run with hand weights.  It sounds exhausting and terrible.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Nora Ephron

 Sometimes I get sad that there won't be anymore movies made my Nora Ephron.  And there won't be anything else written by her.  Nothing. 

I think about this more often than not, and now that I have her book, The Most of Nora Ephron, I think about it practically every day.  She was my favorite.  She was the best.

Nora Ephron
The first time I saw When Harry Met Sally was when I was in middle school.  It was amazing.  There I was at 12 years old watching and immediately re-watching this film.  The next day I watched it again.  Then I watched the commentary.  Did I realize who Nora Ephron was at the age of 12?  No.  Did I soon find out?  Yes.

I realized that I had seen a bunch of her movies.  I realized that I loved them all!  You've Got Mail is my ALL-TIME FAVORITE movie.  Yes, You've Got Mail.  I can quote it from beginning to end.  And I am proud of it! 

By the time I was in high school, I had immersed myself in Ephron's movies.  By college I was reading her essays and buying her books for my mom (so I could read them when she was done).  I felt the need to share her with others, talk about her, show them her movies...her talent...her lists!  God, I loved her lists!  I'm a list person.

There is so much left to say that I'm not saying in this post.  So many people have memorialized her, which I enjoy and read every now and then, still, after almost two years, I'll still pull up a web article written by someone who knew her and loved her.

I miss Nora Ephron and it makes me sad.  

Thursday, January 23, 2014

What I've Learned Thus Far

1. I'm pretty sure that to be an "adult" I need to own more than two winter coats.  An everyday coat and a dressy coat don't cut it anymore.  I see people who wear a different winter coat every day.  These coats match their outfits, their shoes, or even their freakin' earrings.  

2. I've realized that if you say "no" to tiny things, people get mad.  Oh well.  If I don't want to do something or help you do something so small that my five-year-old niece could do herself without complaining, then I'm going to say no.  Get over it.  Or don't.  It's up to you.

3. Camping is probably the most exciting thing in my life that I have to look forward to at the moment.  Only four more months! 

4. When I look at my day and rate the success of it, I base it all on two things:
   a) Did I accomplish everything I wanted to/needed to?
   b) Were the emotions I experienced valid?
 If I answer yes to both of those questions, then I had a successful day. 

5. Don't let people think you need to be happy all of the time. It's healthy to be sad, mad, frustrated, happy, nervous, excited, scared, etc.  You have a ton of emotions - feel them and feel them all.